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Author Topic: Bio-dad wants to meet daughter but Mom is no help
Robert-
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Post Re: Bio-dad wants to meet daughter but Mom is no help
on: June 12, 2013, 08:31
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We are here to help, not harm. Just let us know. We can remove the thread.

Lawfish196-
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Post Re: Bio-dad wants to meet daughter but Mom is no help
on: June 13, 2013, 15:51
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OK, I went to a counselor specializing in family issues today with my wife in tow. We discussed all the details and the counselor recommended that I wait a couple weeks for tempers to cool down, then write to the mother, again urging her to tell our daughter the truth. If she ignores that letter or refuses to tell the truth, the counselor said I should tell our daughter myself. We'll see how this pans out, but I was really hoping to do this without destroying my daughter's relationship with her mother.

Stay tuned.

mydnadad
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Post Re: Bio-dad wants to meet daughter but Mom is no help
on: June 17, 2013, 20:16
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Lawfish, this is one of the co-founders of mydnadad.com writing to you. As much as it would pain me to remove any posts in this forum, because the forum's fundamental objective is to help others by enabling them to see that they are not alone, just say the word and I'll remove this entire post. We all want what's best for you and your daughter. Hang in there, follow your heart, and, most importantly, be mindful of what's in your daughter's heart. This is going to be a surprise for her; perhaps a less than idyllic surprise than you would like it to be, certainly at first. That said, as Robert Parent so astutely points out above, "Your daughter deserves to know her true lineage." Period. Thank you for sharing your story with us at MDD.

Lawfish196-
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Post Re: Bio-dad wants to meet daughter but Mom is no help
on: June 18, 2013, 09:34
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Thanks, MDD. You know I don't think I would want these posts removed. If the mother reads them, so be it. If my daughter reads them, she will probably be a bit upset about the communications between me and her mother, but at least she'll see that I was trying to do the right thing. If this thread helps one other person, it's worth it.

Lawfish196-
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Post Re: Bio-dad wants to meet daughter but Mom is no help
on: July 2, 2013, 11:19
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Well, I did as the counselor advised and sent a long, very conciliatory letter to the mother. It was hand addressed in a plain white envelope and sent to her business address marked "Personal and Confidential." I sent it last Thursday. No response. So I sent a text to the mother earlier this morning asking if she received the letter. No response.

So, I guess I will have to contact my daughter and tell her the truth myself. I just can't understand how the mother can possibly believe she is doing the right thing here. By ignoring me completely, she virtually invites me to tell my daughter the truth, which she knows will cause a huge rift between her and her daughter. I'll post again if and when I break the news to my daughter.

Lawfish196-
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Post Re: Bio-dad wants to meet daughter but Mom is no help
on: July 16, 2013, 08:08
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OK, I gave her one last chance to come clean and, once again, she completely ignored me. So, yesterday, I sent a brief letter to my daughter addressed to the base where she is stationed. Hopefully it will get to her. I explained to her that I tried to persuade her mother to reveal the secret, but that she just couldn't bring herself to do it. That way, I haven't come right out and said that the mother refused to tell. One could infer that the mother agreed with the decision to reveal, but was unable to do it herself. That at least allows her to save face. Now comes the long, lonely wait.

Robert-
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Post Re: Bio-dad wants to meet daughter but Mom is no help
on: July 16, 2013, 19:25
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I think you have really done all you could, given the lack of cooperation from your daughter's mother. You have given her plenty of opportunities to have control in this situation, and you still have given her room to save face. It is sad that she does not appear to have any interest in mediation. It is in her best interest. I guess it is a waiting game at this point. Sometimes military mail gets delayed. Not as much on a domestic base, but it still does happen. Please keep that in mind. Please keep us updated, and good luck!

Lawfish196-
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Post Re: Bio-dad wants to meet daughter but Mom is no help
on: July 29, 2013, 08:32
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OK, now I think I have a new third worst day in my life. Friday, mid-afternoon, I got a phone call on my cell phone from the area code where the mother lives. I answered, and she said, "[My name]?" Thinking it was the mother, I responded, "Yes?" Turns out it was my daughter, who sounds exactly like her mother. She had just gotten the letter and called to bless me out. To say she was angry would be a huge understatement. Told me this was a secret "I should have taken to my f-ing grave." She never had the slightest idea. I told her I understood she was angry and if she needed to direct it at me, that was fine. She asked me several times if I was sure I was her father, and each time I responded that I had no doubt. So, she said she needed to talk to her mom, but "don't be surprised if you never hear from me again." And the call ended.

I was shaking like a leaf. I've argued cases in federal court in front of all 12 judges and a packed courtroom, but I was not as nervous as I was after this phone call. I called my wife and she told me to come home. Clearly, I would get no work done in this state. So I came home with the intention of helping my wife get ready to go to our beach house for the weekend. We went to the grocery store, but I started having a panic attack and had to go back to the car (I suffer a form of PTSD resulting from my father being stabbed to death in a public bathroom, so I have medication to manage the panic attacks, which are exacerbated by stress). My wife bought me a 4-pack of beer to sip on in the parking lot while she shopped and then my daughter called me again. She asked me a bunch of questions she had apparently written down. It was truly impressive the amount of information she wanted in such a short time after finding out the truth. She wanted medical history, do I play a musical instrument (we both play the piano and my father was a virtuoso), do I have a weight problem (yes, sorry), "Would you say you have an addictive personality?" Yes, obviously. We spoke for probably half an hour, in which she told me she was taking a month of sea duty aboard an aircraft carrier beginning Tuesday, so we would have no communication for a month. She would sort things out and contact me when she got back, so we could ask more questions of each other. It was surprisingly cordial.

Later that evening, when I realized I had fumbled the ball when she asked if I had any questions of her, I sent her a text asking what kind of music she played on the piano. She responded and we had a brief, friendly exchange. However one of the messages was "I wish your letter had gotten lost in the mail." I told her I would back off and wait until she was ready to communicate with me.

Fast forward to Saturday. Took the family on a trip up a local spring-fed river in the boat and when we returned, I was playing a game of Scrabble with my wife and my daughter was kibitzing, when I got a text from my daughter, saying, "I've thought about it and decided I don't want to have anything to do with you." I quickly hid the message, but my daughter may have seen it. I waited until an opportune moment, then responded, "If that is your wish, I will respect it. If you ever change your mind, you know how to contact me. The door is always open." She responded back, "I'm closing the door [my name.] I don't believe any of your lies. Words cannot express how disappointed I am to be related to someone so selfish." So, I asked, "What do you think I lied about?" No response, and I don't expect one. I asked the same question of the mother after she sent me the e-mail saying I was "NEVER a friend," also with no response. I get the feeling her mother came up with some lie about how I was so awful that she was justified in not revealing the truth." Problem is, she and her mother have both accused me of lying, but won't say about what. Pretty clever little scheme. Accuse me of lying, but don't tell me what it is I supposedly lied about so I can't defend myself.

So this really worked out well..........not. At this point, I am doing my best to process the whole thing and move on with the expectation that I will never hear from her again. I told my wife that was probably a good thing, as it would "simplify" my life, not having to worry about this whole thing any more. I swear I've aged 10 years in the past 6 months. She said she didn't want my life to be "simple," she wanted me to be happy. She also reassured me I did the right thing, as I've been questioning that pretty seriously. Maybe some people prefer being lied to. I don't know. I could sure use some advice at this point as I'm an emotional wreck. Did I really do the right thing?

nic0lejean
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Post Re: Bio-dad wants to meet daughter but Mom is no help
on: July 29, 2013, 10:33
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I am so sorry to hear how that went Lawfish. My heart dropped for you. My thought is that this is just her initial reaction. I can imagine she is very confused, overly surprised, hurt and scared. Obviously, she is going back and forth in her mind, just like I did. I know you did the right thing. She is probably saying she doesn't/ didn't want to know because of the mess of emotions she's going through. That amount of emotion is not something anyone wishes to feel. I would say for me, it was equivalent to what I felt when my mother died. All you can do is give her time to let this settle. I think the more she thinks on it, the more questions she will have and soon she will be compelled to contact you. This is not something you can just push out of your mind. I also think it's a good thing she is going away from her mothers influence for a while~ she needs to think on this without her mothers input. I hope that time changes her perspective. Best wishes Lawfish.

Lawfish196-
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Post Re: Bio-dad wants to meet daughter but Mom is no help
on: July 29, 2013, 14:17
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Thanks, Nicolejean. I agree she needs to get free of her mother's influence. She seems to be angry with me now because I waited 20 years to tell her. I sent her a copy of a text thread I had with her mother right after I found her where she said "thanks for being such an unwavering good friend," since I thought her mother must have told her something awful about me. Her response was, "Why don't you just drop it and forget about me for another 20 years?"

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