The following are excerpts from communications written by people who have experienced finding out about their own non-paternity event later in life rather than as a child. These quotes were found in numerous places scattered throughout the internet. Most of them were found in blogs, bulletin boards or forums and, as such, the authors are not identified. In some cases, punctuation and syntax have been modified for consistency sake and reading ease, but we’ve taken particular care not to change the context of any of these messages. This is a real issue, experienced by real people from many different countries around the world. Nonetheless, the writings of these otherwise disparate people have one thing in common…
“When they told me this I was understandably shocked. My first reaction was disbelief. I thought that this was a prank. For the last five hours, I have been in a dreamlike daze, in utter astonishment and total existential disorientation. My dad is not my biological father. All these years and I never knew.”
“My mom finally told me. I’m almost 24 and I have a 15 month old daughter. It seems like she could have picked a better time to tell me than over a Chinese buffet dinner.”
“I just found out that I have a different biological father than who I believed it to be. We have met, and I met his wife and I’m going to meet my sisters and my new niece in a couple of weeks. They are really into getting to know me and my daughter. The thing about it is that everyone knew but me. He knew, my dad knew, my uncles and aunts knew, his wife knew—literally everyone knew but me. It sucks to be lied to. The new guy is great and I really like him and we look alike. His kids look like me. It’s nice to finally be with people with whom I see a resemblance. I’m working on [handling] it day by day. I guess I just need some advice, rather than an answer to a question. Does anyone have a similar situation or experience?”
“This doesn’t change anything relationally between me and my family, but it raises a million questions in my head. Did the donor have red hair? I have red hair, but my mom doesn’t, and it’s a recessive trait. Is he still alive? Do I have other half-brothers and -sisters that I don’t know about? Does he ever wonder if he has a child he doesn’t know about? Does his family have a history of diseases that I need to be worried about? What is his personality and appearance like?”
“My biggest concern is for my dad and how he feels now that I know. I’ve reassured him and will continue to reassure him that I love him and will always think of him as my father.”
“Today I found out that my father is not my bio father. It seems like a story that you see in a movie. I am having a tough time soaking it in.”
“I came to the conclusion that meeting my biological father was something I needed to do. I wanted to find out if we were alike in appearance and in personality. I felt like I was betraying my “dad”; that he would think that I didn’t love or need him anymore.”
“I have always been introspective and made self-observations, tracing physical and personality traits back to my mom and dad. Now I know that the traits I share with my dad are either learned or purely coincidental.”
“Wow! It amazes me that so many people have been in a similar situation! I did feel different from the rest of my family! I didn’t feel as though I ‘fit in’. For a long time I was angry at my parents for being so selfish and inflicting such pain on me.”
“I would do anything to meet my father. I think about him all the time and wonder if I have half siblings and/or what he is like. I worry that if I do find him, he will not want to know me.”
“I found out my dad wasn’t my dad when I was thirteen. Apparently, I was the result of an extramarital affair. It really rocked me – and still does. Both men were in my life the whole time. It makes for a confusing Father’s Day – and life.”
“I found out that my dad isn’t my biological father last night. I feel pretty much the same as you, but I’m definitely confused as all hell. And curious. Did you find that people kept saying “Your Dad, is still your Dad! You shouldn’t think about it too much.” That’s annoying me… because of course he is! That’s not the point.”
“I think a father is whoever raised you with love and care. Genetics don’t matter, but I think it’s awesome that you’re giving your real father a chance to get to know you.”
“I found out about my separate paternity at the age of 32. The reason my mother told me is because my biological father has a genetic disease. Can you imagine what it’s like to be told “you’re Dad isn’t really you’re dad” and then, “you have a 50% chance of having the disease, which is killing your real dad?”
“I just found out that the guy who I thought was my dad is really my step-dad. I am freaking out. Please help.”
“Looking back at my personal experience, I wish my mother had sat me down, with BOTH of my fathers and calmly explained everything to me. It would have saved a lot of anger, frustration and feelings of betrayal.”
“I know all about the confusion, it follows me around every day. I am trying to be strong for my children and talking to a therapist has helped a great deal. My mother has carried the guilt all my life. My father (who raised me) made a hard choice, adopting me as his own. He knew there was another man. Funny thing, we all graduated from the same high-school. I had a half sister and brother who graduated a few years before I began. We all walked the same hallways, connected yet separate. I still have not met that other family. The people I most resemble are strangers, still.”
“As I tried to come to terms with it, I realized one half of my life didn’t exist, and the other half was a lie.”
“I’m looking for others to be astonished with.”
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